Shopping Around For A New Shell.

The in-between time.

So much has been coming up recently for me and sometimes when I start these posts I feel as though I’m about to VOMIT on the page.

I’ve been really invited to look at my pattern of response when I get activated and realise how much I try and manage other people’s emotions and essentially abandon myself.

In recent times:

• I’ve put others viewpoints above my own.

• I feared others opinions, so stayed small.

• I’ve tried to not upset anyone, trigger them and keep the peace - but in turn, not spoke my truth or stood up for myself.

• I’ve feared being seen and judged - so I nearly turned down a great growth opportunity of taking steps to become the future self I want to be.

• I’ve said ‘YES’ to ‘NO’s’ because I felt ‘I SHOULD.’

• I’ve procrastinated because I didn’t feel WORTHY.

• I’ve put value on external things rather than my inner world.

• I’ve internalised and held other people’s viewpoints that were not mine to hold.

  
  

  I’m really starting to see and own that for so long, subconsciously - I haven’t felt safe to BE ME.

  However, the way I’ve been responding that now feels habitual, isn’t serving me either.
  
  My full, bright FULL BEAM, sometimes feels TOO MUCH and I’ve operated on a dimmer switch so I can dial it down when I’ve needed too - or switch off altogether, hoping to remain invisible.
  

  

  
  I’m not going to lie this process of growth feels slow, tangled, messy, scary, uncomfortable, exhausting, frustrating and painful but every time I’ve been in an activated state - I’ve learnt there is something amazing on the other side of it:
  A lesson, something deeper to look at, action to take, or simply just sitting with whatever comes up.
  Through this I’m learning that I can hold myself and all these parts, and I don’t need to fear them, even if, for a time, they are horrendously overwhelming.
  What I’m learning is the feelings usually aren’t - but the stories that accompany them are.
  BUT that’s all they are..
  Stories.
  Made up.
  That were made at some point to protect myself, or make sense of something that didn’t make sense.
  Or uphold a belief that I don’t need to believe anymore.
  
  There is such freedom in awareness.
  
  I can change these patterns and responses.
  And the only one who can change them, is me.