How we can OWN taking our power back.
Being in-authentic not only does yourself a disservice, it does everyone else around you a disservice.
This week I’ve really been thinking about all the things that have made me feel powerless, annoyed, or robbed me of my time.
Scrolling, Overthinking, Ruminating on what I said/ should have said and filling my time with things I honestly wish I hadn’t.
I’ve realised I don’t need to make those situations, people, events wrong or things to avoid but actually ‘own my response to them.’
Firstly - allow my authentic response:
What’s coming up for me?
Try to OBSERVE IT not ABSORB IT (easier said than done).
If you suddenly become the state, engulfed in anger, frustration, rage, sadness - also ok.
Whatever happens provides key information if you lean in and allow yourself to look deeper.
Overcompensating and undervaluing:
A root cause of my frustrations - I’ve realised - is actually where without thought, I have overcompensated.
- I’m rewarded to go above and beyond.
- I’ll probably be more loved more if I can meet everyone else’s needs (even if it costs me my own)
- How I’ve always internalised ‘It’s my fault’ if someone’s upset and hasn’t communicated to me.
- Where I’ve held un-voiced expectations and been disappointed due to overcompensating.
- Wanting to be remembered as someone who’s ‘easy to deal with’ and ‘makes other people’s lives easier’ but really ‘I’m happy to slot in wherever’ means I’m already placing myself under others habitually, and often undervaluing myself.
Now, nobody has done this to me - I’ve done it, by allowing it and I OWN THAT - because deep down there has been a scarier worry that if I say - ‘sorry I can’t do that’ or ‘that doesn’t work for me’ or turn down that job opportunity - I might get abandoned, rejected, judged, disappoint or upset someone.
‘I’m wrong’ ‘I’m bad’ ‘It’s all my fault’ runs through my DNA and in a desperate attempt to avoid shame -
Abandoning myself and trying to get it right for others - makes me feel, for a brief period - like I’m good, I’m useful, I’m not selfish, I’m generous - I got something right.
An amazing, heightened example that I think about a lot - a close friend, an amazing teacher at a Gym I used to work at - she goes above and beyond, picks up covers, she’s so, so brilliant, for various different reasons.
But I want to tell you the story of THE LIME BIKE:
Around 6am Ruth’s cycling to work, to teach Boxing for the early risers. A delivery rider on another bike causes her to swerve out of the cycle line on to the main traffic, but realising in slow motion, she’s losing control of the bike - she look’s behind, sees a bus and prepares her body to brace for the impact - knowing the driver will be too close to stop.
Thankfully only Apple products were smashed to smithereens and not her body, but once peeling herself from under the bus - the driver asks for her name and contact details to which she responds ‘Oh don’t worry about it!’
He tells her, he needs it - ‘I’ve just ran you over - I need to be able to report this etc.’
To which - she gets on the bus and the first thing she announces to the bottom deck is ‘I’m so sorry if this is going to make you late for work.’
She then gets back on a lime bike, cycles to work and teaches 6.45am Hiit and Box. Not ‘I’ve just been ran over - I’m gonna pop to hospital and get checked over’ but ‘1,2,1,2. JAB. CROSS. HOOK.’
I get it, we don’t want to let anyone down. We want to be reliable, accountable, professional. Especially with being self-employed, it feels like an added pressure because no work is guaranteed. But I think sometimes we fear more, NOT wanting to be seen as certain qualities, to the extent that we would go against our own well-being.
INNER CRITIC:
I remember being so scared of letting go of my inner critic, as I worried without it’s notes and truth (which I now know - is not always truth) - I’d never progress. I thought I would either stagnate, get worse or felt terrified to accept a compliment as surely accepting that would mean people would think I was arrogant and above myself.
I preface I don’t think I’m any better than any other person on this planet - I think everybody is uniquely gifted - I do think belief in yourself, trusting yourself and honouring yourself is important, and not selfish or arrogant.
STAYING IN YOUR OWN LANE:
I think staying in your own lane is important. Wanting to become better than you were yesterday - great. Wanting to become better than someone else? Not so great.
If we constantly measure ourselves in relation to other people - I think we are always doomed to be miserable, as again, we are placing our power outside of ourselves.
Can I remain where I am and not extend myself to meet someone else.
Can I be in my orbit and not morph into someone I think they need me to be.
Can I respond authentically, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Also can I ban SHOULD from my vocabulary.