FEAR.
Going away, I was awoken to how much FEAR I not only witnessed but how affected and absorbed I was by my false mind narratives that presented as truth.
I’ve never been a stranger to intrusive and catastrophic thoughts; in fact in my late 20’s to now - these had been things that had engulfed me and had the power to sabotage me at a moments notice.
I remember vividly being very young, convinced I was going to jail for my brother downloading an illegal music site. I decided there and then, aged 11 - life was not worth living.
The copyright symbol before the start of films would trigger me so much, I either had to skip, look away or not be in the room. My mum and friends laughed at how ridiculous this was and soon got bored of temporarily setting my mind at ease, which I heavily relied on.
I couldn’t shake this feeling that I had done something irreversible and that I couldn’t live, deal with or hold my mistakes. This sludgy nausea stayed and it took around 4 months for that scenario not to paralyse me with panic.
Relief and lightness spread through me when it left, however, I wasn’t totally free - It had the power to come back, maybe not as activated but it was always a marker of a fault, a flaw an error and if not this, I knew it wouldn’t be long before another worry would appear in my gut.
I thought back to my childhood and realised how much FEAR had completely robbed me of my JOY and the present moment. Even momentary excitement or joy, I would be hesitant to lean in knowing soon enough I would be sunk down with panic.
I noticed on holiday - how not only had this pattern re-emerged but how I’d been living in this cycle on and off, for ages.
Before going - I bought a power bank - with initial thoughts of how useful this would be - to then not take it with me for fear this might blow up on the plane and I’d be responsible for so many people’s deaths and that risk was not worth taking. So it stayed at home.
Trying to check in for my flight online - I’d booked with a third party and was sure I had put the wrong passport number in and there wouldn’t be a ticket and how could I be that stupid and should I even bother now going to the airport and face being a crying mess in front of a fully stocked Heathrow?!
Lucky I did because I checked in fine - It was incredibly easeful.
But of course - then I thought -
What if someone has smuggled a heap of drugs into my pocket or something without me knowing (I don’t know when they would have done that or why or how) but now not only am I going to be not able to go but I’ll be in jail and my life will be shit (I’m clocking a real jail theme) and even though I’m innocent no-one would believe me so I maybe shouldn’t risk the departures bit.
(I’ve definitely watched way too much Banged Up Abroad!!)
I get through departures - not a pat down, not an invasive feel, nothing. I walk straight through.
And now I’m plagued with ‘What if the plane crashes?’ If I’m up in the air and the bad news lands - I’m gonna be thinking ‘If only I’d not gone! I’d still be alive!’
We land, I’m totally alive, it’s around midnight and I need a taxi.
‘What if the taxi driver robs me, kidnaps me, drugs me or kills me and in my final moments, I’ll realise that no-one is going to find my body or know what happened to me - IF ONLY I’D TRUSTED MY GUT.
When people say TRUST YOUR GUT - I can’t trust my gut because I have no clue anymore what’s real or what's not. I feel a sinking feeling, a real ‘oh no’ on multiple occasions in the same hour! The same ‘oh no’ when I have sensed in the past something is going to go wrong, and it does.
So I suppose I now have to get clear on where did this feeling get triggered from? Was it my head and it’s a story, OR a deeper feeling in my stomach.
Since realising, I’ve found it sad that so much of my daily time is consumed with so much drivel, so much slosh! So much exhausting, endless pickling jabber.
Before leaving the house -
The amount of times I’ve blown on an UNLIT CANDLE just to triple check it’s out and it won’t relight! (I mean science was never my strong point)
I tap the hobs, feel the oven, touch the grill - if they were alive, they would do me for harassment.
There was a time - when I thought I’d beat my fears by taking pictures to remind me - but when you have 10,000 pictures of your kitchen appliances on your phone - it’s hardly reassuring - it’s borderline insanity!
For my brains cleverness and logic - it has never ONCE thought - hang on a minute - last time we went into this shocker of a spiral - EVERYTHING WAS FINE - SO MAYBE IT’LL BE FINE AGAIN..
The amount of times I’ve wished there was a brain shop to take it back and exchange it!
It is mental - that we arrive here, fully formed with no fucking manual. No wonder we’re all having breakdowns.
That being said - I am grateful for my terrifying imagination - except when I call on it for my job as an actor, half the time - the fuckers nowhere to be seen - I try and get it to imagine the scenario of the scene, which is usually high stakes, my brain’s favourite past time - The fuckers like ‘Nah! I don’t want to imagine that’ and I’m probably as bland as a butterbean.
I constantly feel like I’m living in a tight space - like someone’s reclined their seat on an aeroplane and I’m now pate, squashed, trapped and frustrated.
Like my life is a game of twister, uncomfortable and having to bid to win against my brain.
Controversial point - The only time you should EVER recline your seat on an aeroplane - is if there is no person behind you.
After arriving safely home from an incredible trip, albeit laced with fear.
Jet lagged at 4am, I watched a talk with Elizabeth Gilbert and Martha Beck and I surrendered to the fact I might be (probably was) in the dark woods of Dante’s Inferno. And might be lost (again).
Hellish news to my Virgo ascendant who likes to control, organise and plan - I decided that this year I would make as little plans as I possibly could, I would not make myself ridiculously busy even if I felt like I had triple A batteries in me and I would simply wait, go slow, sit with my own boredom and only do something if it felt really right.
I would scarily let go of all the things that if I was honest with myself didn’t feel in alignment and trust that I was heading for a more fulfilling path.
Weirdly one guy in one of our hostels whilst away irritated me. He seemed a slow mover, aimless, unaware, and when staff or people were trying to move past him he seemed to get more in the way.
Little did I know a few days later I’d be knocked for six with sickness and could do NOTHING. I suddenly was a slow mover, unhappily horizontal, with no choice but to be still. I didn’t have a single thought for anyone else, just trying to survive the next few hours.
That’s a lie - After we checked out, I did feel for the unlucky soul who was next in line for my single bed, smothered with illness particles.
11pm the next day - after a day of sleep - I discovered I could swallow more than a sip of water. I suddenly felt so much more like myself. Even though I couldn’t eat, I felt such a gratefulness for being able to just be, to just experience pain free and it got me thinking about my desire to always be doing, achieving and moving.
Moving slow was so uncomfortable for me and I had signed it off as it just not being my jam. I like to talk a million miles an hour, breathe intermittently, I love speed, pace, challenge and hustle and keeping my harsh inner critic at bay, who loves me on this hurry train.
I suddenly knew I had to let go, I had to go even slower and the goal was to be as in every moment as I could be, with every person as I could be. Not wishing to be at the next thing, not reliving the past but here, here and now.
As a person who has always been GOAL orientated, I set some new goals for this year which felt more challenging but relieving at the same time:
This year is about not needing to run a 1.40 half marathon or do a half iron man.
This year is about not needing to prove to myself.
This year is about not needing to book a job. (If one comes in great)
This year is about not needing to hustle.
This year is about not needing to be doing something every day.
This year is about not needing to pre-plan days but allow them to emerge.
This year is about not fighting, forcing, gripping or holding.
This year is about sitting in the discomfort of ‘not doing’ and holding space for what comes up.
This year is about being way more present in the things I choose to do.
This year is about being enough regardless of any achievement.
This year is about being curious and not definitive.
This year is about being seen fully as I am.
This year is about surrendering and being guided.
This year is about listening to my body.
This year is about walking through fear.
This year is about letting go of perfection.
This year is about shedding.
This year is about breathing.
This year is about falling back in love with life.